It’s 2020…. Mixed signals, heartbreak and confusion are common place, things end without any real explanation, usually by text, if they even bother at all, some people just ghost others without any care as to how that makes the other person feel, there’s a growing fear of commitment amongst people, worried they are going to ‘miss out’ if someone better comes along, worried in case they actually emotionally get involved. I’ve seen the most beautiful, caring, honest and kind people be thrown to one side after months of dating and had their hearts broken with nothing more than a half-hearted text with some excuse which is rarely the real reason. Since when did we become so accustomed to people being so disposable?
And that’s even if you get an explanation and don’t get ghosted… Ghosting is one of the most disgusting things you can do to someone IMO, to not even have the common decency to even just text someone/talk to someone you have been on a date with and give them an actual reason as to why you don’t want to see them again over totally ignoring them is one of the lowest things you can do. I have never, ever ghosted a guy, after every first date, if they wanted to see me again and I just didn’t feel the same I have told them, honestly, that I had a great time but that I just didn’t feel a connection etc. I mean since when did it become okay to treat other people in any other way?
I have met many guys over the last few years of dating, I go through dating stages, sometimes I’ve dated 3 different guys in a weekend and other times I’ve barely said yes to a date with one guy over the course of a month, sometimes I’ve really wanted to get out there and date and sometimes I am so over it I really don’t want to date anyone. Over the last couple of years dating I have made some great friends, had some very strange dates, had some amazing dates and I have had my heart totally broken. I have learnt a lot but I have never changed the way I date, never changed the way I treat people and I have always given someone a decent chance if I felt like there was something worth building on, on reflection that may have been my undoing but I don’t think I’m going to change and to be honest, I don’t want too… Out of all the guys I have dated, I haven’t gone past many first dates as I have to feel some form of connection romantically to carry on, I don’t tend to find this often and I have met only 3 guys over the last few years that I could see myself with longer term, but they just have never quite worked out. I will write about each of them individually at some point, but all of them, I have felt like the ‘almost’ girl, just like that I feel like I was almost enough, it was almost right, it was almost perfect… but… not quite… and I haven’t been chosen… a lot of my friends have felt the same with the guys they have dated. And it’s not just girls, my guy friends have felt the same. I don’t think its a gender issue although the guys I know tend to have a better time dating as a whole, I think it’s a generation issue. Wonderful single guy friends I know have had similar struggles with girls they have dated. Not everyone is for everyone and I would much rather someone be totally honest with me that they didn’t feel a connection though than lead me on, waste my time and play games for weeks/months.
Some problems with modern dating:
- People somehow think seem to think they are entitled to the love and commitment of a relationship with someone without having to be loyal to that person, I got the ‘best’ message from a guy I had been seeing for weeks once which basically said he wanted me and all the benefits of a relationship on his terms, whenever he wanted but without having a proper relationship or having to commit (more about him in a later blog).
- Fear of commitment seems to be normal, and no one cares, there are far too many people out there happy to ‘waste time’ dating someone who is quite clearly looking for something more than they will ever be willing to give and they refuse to admit this first up, therefore wasting the time of someone who is actually looking for a relationship. I have been passed up by guys I’ve been dating because they are ’emotionally unavailable’ or ‘are not looking for a relationship’, they always knew they would be that way, but were unwilling to own it from the start and be honest about the situation, despite me now, knowing I’m looking for something serious, being honest from the ‘get go’ and saying that is what I’m looking for in the longer term and if they are not open to the same, not ready, not willing, then not to date me. This is one of the main reasons as to why I am skeptical about finding someone real.
- Too much choice – we live in a society where everyone seems to be disposable. People are unwilling to build on anything, so even if they find someone that fits 95% of what they are looking for, they are ‘almost’ right, it’s ‘almost’ perfect, they will still have in their mind, maybe the next person I swipe on/date will be 100% and when the going gets tough in dating/relationships or someone doesn’t fit the narrative 100% they just bail, they don’t give anyone a proper chance anymore.
- Some people are really rude! And have absolutely no problems being rude as hell behind a screen and sometimes, they’re even worse in person. Ghosting is totally normal for some people and abusing people seems to be okay. I have cancelled first dates before for a genuine reason and had a torrent of abuse back from that person. For the record, it’s not okay to behave like that. I have been really hurt by certain people I’ve dated and I have still never sent them abusive messages or called them names.
- People and their lives are ‘fake’… Photos are fake, filtered, made to look better, lives are made to look ‘perfect’. You only have to take a look at Instagram and all the other platforms people can use to show their ‘perfect life’. I’ve done it myself, put up a photo where I look like the happiest girl in the world only to be crying myself to sleep that same night, life is hard! These platforms and dating the last few years have many a time made me feel like I was never good enough and it’s harder when you have all these fake perceptions around with all these ‘perfect’ couples with their ‘perfect’ lives which makes you worry if there is something wrong with you. There isn’t by the way.
- People date so many people at the same time. How can you ever build on anything if you are dating a plethora of people all at once? First few dates aside, I prefer to date just one person at a time and build on that, if I’m then wanting to spend time with someone on a regular basis then I normally won’t date/seek out anyone else, which is my undoing apparently as others don’t date like I do, but I would rather be me and give someone a proper chance and I don’t understand why this is so unusual now.
- You have to put yourself out there… and I know that’s hard, especially when you’ve been hurt, but what’s the alternative? Never dating anyone again? Never finding that one genuine person? The problem is you have to try to succeed and even if you get hurt you have to pick yourself up and try again, and that hurts.
People think I’m picky, that I have high standards, “Maybe that’s why you haven’t got anyone?”, “Maybe you should lower your standards?” and I for a time, thought they might be right, but no, sod that, don’t ever lower your standards, my standards are normal standards, your standards are not too high because you expect someone to treat you with respect, because you expect a certain amount of effort, because you expect someone you are dating to want to see you, to check in with you, to ask you about your day. If the guy you are dating can’t even put in the basic amount of effort as a human being to do those things then that’s his issue and his loss and not yours. There are amazing guys out there, there really are, I know some beautiful guys and I know that one day I will find one for me too.
I’ve been the ‘almost girl’ too many times… and I really hope I’m never her again.